


Do you regret it?

by lewispanda



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Sex, M/M, Post-War, Prostitution (mentioned), Temporary Amnesia, War, alcohol abuse (mentioned)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-29
Updated: 2018-08-29
Packaged: 2019-07-04 05:40:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15834882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lewispanda/pseuds/lewispanda
Summary: Forgetting about the war had always been Alec's biggest dream. So after he had lost all his memories, due to a head injury, how could Magnus deny him his happinness? Even if it would come at the cost of breaking his own heart.





	Do you regret it?

**Author's Note:**

> This work is a reply to a prompt sent on [tumblr](https://lewispanda.tumblr.com/post/177520899808/35-and-malec).   
> The requests are still open!

“Do you regret it?”

 

Cat’s voice startled him. He had been lost in his thoughts, and hadn’t heard her walk up to him.

 

“Not at all.” Magnus replied, not taking his eyes off of the young man, who was working with other villagers. They had been building the enclosure for hours, and Magnus had been there almost from the start. “It was something he wished for. Not my place to decide.”

 

“I don’t think this was what he meant. If he knew the cost…” She stopped abruptly, seeing Magnus’ pained expression, as he turned to her. Alec had paid a great price, but Magnus’ suffering was much greater. He would have to live the rest of his life, knowing, that his lover would never remember him.

 

“It was his greatest dream, Cat. To forget the horrors of the war. To not wake up screaming every night. To not see their faces, every time he closed his eyes. And as much as I wished my face would took their place behind his eyelids, we both knew it would never happen.” Magnus was too familiar with all of those things. He himself greeted all the nightmares like old friends, but wished moonshine could wipe his memories clean. No one could leave the warfare unscathed.

 

They had met in the middle of the war, and it hadn’t took them long to seek solace in each others’ arms. A moment of blissful oblivion, when they could pretend they hadn’t been two generals, fighting a lost battle, and slowly dying for unreachable dreams. But soon, they had become more. They had shared genuine smiles, and body-wracking sobs. And it had brought them closer. They had both found hope, in the form of future plans together, and that hope got them going through the hardest times.

 

But that future had never been meant for them. 

 

While fighting the final battle, Alexander had been injured greatly. Magnus had no idea what had happened to him. He had tried to find him in their tent, wanting to kiss him senseless, because it was over. The usurper had fallen, and soon the other armies would fall as well. But Alec hadn’t been there. So Magnus had looked for him among his soldiers, asking if he had come to thank them yet. They hadn’t seen him since the dawn. So he had made his way to the medics’ tents, heart in his throat, but the familiar face hadn’t caught his eyes.

 

It had been Ragnor that had found him, and brought him to Alec. They had kept his body away from others, to keep their spirits lifted for a little bit longer.

 

Magnus had refused to leave Alec’s side. He had gone through his days, without sleeping or eating, focused only on making sure that the wounds wouldn’t get infected. His own health had deteriorated, and he had been deemed unfit for duty. The army had left, but Magnus had stayed behind with his lover, to nurse him back to health, with little help from others. Long nights had been spent cleaning Alec’s body, then crying until there were no tears left. But he had still had the dreams. They, and the steady rise and fall of Alec’s chest, had kept him alive.

 

All his hope had been crushed, when Alec had opened his eyes, and hadn’t recognised him.

 

Various medics had told Magnus, that it was the consequence of the head injury Alec had suffered. The young general hadn’t remembered who he had been, and might never regain those memories. 

 

The gods must have had looked down on Alec, and had blessed him. He would never remember the carnage of the war. And who had Magnus been, to take that gift away from him?

 

So Magnus had made a choice. He had told Alec that the other had been a simple soldier, and had dropped him off in a village, where no one had known his name, with a generous severance payment. Alec could build a new life for himself - a new, more happy life.

 

And now, months after, Magnus was looking at him for the last time.

 

Cat placed her hand on his shoulder. “Do you regret it? Meeting him?” 

 

“No.” There was no hesitation in his voice. No doubt. “I could never. I will happily pay my due for the short time we had, till my heart stops beating.” Losing Alec was the cause of his greatest sadness, but he still cherished all the memories he had of him. He always would. Magnus believed a person could love someone so deeply only once in their lifetime. And it was an honour to forfeit his chance for a great love on Alexander Lightwood.

 

“General?” A soldier approached them, and Cat took her hand back. “The army is ready to move.”

 

“I will fetch my horse and join you.” His gaze swept over Alec’s features one more time, telling himself he was trying to memorise every little detail. From that distance, though, he could barely see the color of Alec’s eyes. But when he closed his own, he could easily picture the vibrant hazel, surrounded by dark eyelashes, and crow’s feet.

 

He turned away before opening his eyes, and didn’t look back.

 

\-------------------------------------------

 

The last breathless kisses were exchanged between them, as they waited for their heartbeats to go back to normal. Alec’s fingertips skimmed over Magnus skin, traveling lower, until Magnus stopped their journey by lacing their fingers together, before Alec’s hand could wrap around his cock one more time.

 

“No. Not again.” He chastened Alec playfully. Magnus felt sated and relaxed, but didn’t want to go another round. He would be content with just laying in Alec’s arms, for the rest of the night. Alec’s only reply was to trail kisses down his neck, so Magnus pushed him backwards onto the soft animal skins. “Even you’re not  _ that _ charming.”

 

They lay there in silence, listening to the sounds of the camp. There were too far away from the fires, to hear people who had gathered around them, but their surroundings were anything but silent. The dogs were barking, and at least one enthusiastic prostitute was moaning somewhere nearby. Last few soldiers were getting ready to rest, while the night shift took turns patrolling the perimeter.

 

Just when Magnus had started to fall asleep, Alec rolled onto his side, and squeezed his hand gently. “What is your biggest dream?” He asked into the space between them, looking straight at him.

 

Magnus blinked his eyes open, and stretched like a cat. “It’s a hard question. There is so much to wish for.” But when Alec opened his mouth, no doubt to take the question back, Magnus silenced him. “Let me think.” He had many dreams, but never wondered which one was the most important.

 

“I think...I think I want this war to be over. So no one dies anymore. And we would come back home, finally safe. Buy some land, and build that house.” He finally replied, then brought their joined hands to his lips, to kiss Alec’s knuckles.

 

“This is cheating.” Alec complained, but his tone was tainted with amusement. “You can’t have one wish that would be a magical solution to many problems. And you can’t distract me from that fact, by showering me with love.” Magnus grinned at the word ‘love’, and kissed Alec’s palm again. 

 

“Of course I can. It’s called ‘being smart’. Do you think I became a general because of my good looks?” He said, while staring straight into Alec’s eyes, daring him to disagree.

 

Alec snorted, hearing his reply.

 

They stayed like that, lost in each others’ eyes, until Magnus broke the silence. “What is your biggest dream?”

 

“To forget the war.” Alec replied, without missing a beat. The atmosphere in the tent grew more serious. They were used to talking about war - about all the horrible things they had seen and experienced, and about their plans after it would end - but somehow that confession felt more serious. “I wish I could just forget. To never hear their screams in my head again. Go back to the life I had before.” 

 

Magnus held Alec’s gaze. He understood. War brought them together, but it had also brought unimaginable suffering into their lives. They had been marred, and there would be no escaping it, even after they somehow win.

 

“That’s a beautiful dream.” Magnus could see in Alec’s eyes, how greatful the other was, that he hadn’t been judged for wanting to be happy. The silent acquiescence meant more than a hundred ‘I love you’s’.

 

“Come here.” Alec said, and opened his arms, so Magnus could rest his head on his chest. He hastily wiped their stomachs clean with with the edge of one of the skins, then pulled a larger one over their bodies. “Goodnight, Magnus. I love you.” Alec whispered, before closing his eyes.

 

“Goodnight, Alec. I love you too.” Magnus replied, then let the tiredness consume him.

 

\-----------------------------

  
  


The past few months had been kind to Magnus. He hadn’t touched any alcohol in weeks, and had managed to find a position as an advisor to a young lord. This was what the war had left them all with - no need for their craft, no skills outside of battlefield, terrible nightmares - that hunted them day and night. And moonshine to confide in. Their situations were terrible. Magnus was grateful, that his friends hadn’t let him hit rock bottom, and stayed with him through the worst.

 

And thinking about Alec had almost stopped hurting. Almost.

 

Four years had passed, since he had last seen him. And even longer, since he had held him in his arms. Even during the nights, when he had passed out from being drunk, he had still missed having Alec next to him. He had learned to leave the bed right after waking up, because otherwise it felt too cold and empty. Too lonely. And he still didn’t know how to cope with that - he was unable to stop loving Alec, and move on with his life.

 

Magnus hoped that the other man was leading a great life. He had seen with his own eyes how the villagers had welcomed the brave general into their community. But Magnus hoped that he had found more that acceptance. That he had found love. Magnus could never have him, but he still wanted him to be happy. Even if it meant finding happiness with someone else.

 

Suddenly, the doors to Magnus’ chambers burst wide open, and the former general reached for his weapon. His hand stilled by his side, as his eyes fell upon the visitor. What he saw made him believe, that he must have had relapsed, and drunk himself to sleep again.

 

Standing in front of him, was no other than Alec in his uniform. Magnus knew, that if he reached out, he could touch one of the shiny buttons. If only Alec was real.

 

“Magnus.” The other man said, and Magnus almost had a heart attack. This had to be real. He could recall every detail of Alec’s face, whenever he wanted, but over time he had almost forgotten what his voice had sounded like exactly. It could carry out in the war tent, but what had it been like, when they were alone? Whispering sweet nothings, as their bodies moved together?

 

But Magnus had instantly known, that  _ this _ was Alec’s voice. And since he couldn’t recall it whenever he wanted, the man had to be real.

 

“Alec?” Still fearing this might be a dream, Magnus slowly raised one of his hands, to cup Alec’s cheek. When his hand made contact with the soft skin, he gasped loudly. “It’s you. You’re here.”

 

“I’m here. Not thanks to you.” Magnus could see traces of anger in Alec’s features, but it wasn’t important. Alec was here. With him. He remembered.

 

Magnus didn’t realise he was crying, until Alec cupped his face in both hands, and began to gently wipe the tears off with his thumbs. “You’re here. You’re really here.” Magnus kept repeating, over and over again. “How?”

 

“I was helping feed the horses, and one of them tried to eat my hair. And then I remembered Lobo.” Alec’s horse. A majestic creature that had been feared during battles, but had turned into a playful foal every time they would get back to the camp. “And, slowly, other things started to come back. And then I remembered you.”

 

“And you came here?” Magnus asked.

 

“No.” Alec’s voice was stern. “I was furious. I never wanted to see your face again. You’ve left me there, without a word. For years! Years, Magnus!” He closed his eyes, to try to regain his composure, but his hold on Magnus’ face stayed gentle. “I hated you for months. I was thankful that we would never see each other again, because otherwise, I might regret my actions.”

 

Those words hurt. Magnus had felt better thinking, that he had been the only one suffering. That at least one of them had been happy. He reached for Alec’s hands, and pulled them away from his face, then took a step back. “I’m sorry that I’ve caused you pain. You once told me that not remembering the awfulness of the war was what you wanted. So when you forgot…” Magnus was seconds away from breaking down in the middle of his chamber, in front of the man he had loved deeply. Still loved. 

 

“But I never wanted to forget  _ you _ .” Alec closed the gap between them, and cupped Magnus’ face again, as if not touching him might mean he could disappear again. “I was happy at the village. Life there wasn’t easy, but it still was simple. And people were kind.” Magnus tilted his head, trying to bury it even more in Alec’s hand. He wanted to get as close as possible, but didn’t dare to move a lot. “And when the memories started to come back...it was terrible. Gods, it was terrible. Hating you for leaving me there, alone, was satisfying. I hated you so much.” Magnus’ body began to shake, so Alec wrapped one of his arms around his waist, and pulled him closer. “Blaming my sudden loneliness on you was so easy. And I hated you even more, when I realised, that I still missed you. That I still loved you.” 

 

Hope. For the first time in years, Magnus felt it. Alec had missed him. Even while hating him for leaving him behind, he had still loved him. Maybe not everything was lost. Maybe seeing his angry face, while he was talking about going through all those terrible things, wouldn’t be Magnus’ last memory of him.

 

“It took me months to forgive you. And then a few more weeks to decide to look for you. Finding you wasn’t easy - our comrades have scattered around many kingdoms, and few heard about you after the war was over. But I finally found you. Here.”

 

Magnus looked at the shy smile, that graced Alec’s lips, and let himself hope.

 

“Do you regret it?” he asked.

 

“No.” Alec replied, then pulled him in for a kiss.


End file.
